Talking to Your Kids About Your Incarcerated Loved One

Having a loved one who is incarcerated is difficult. For families of incarcerated loved ones, it often feels like an isolating experience where you’re left trying to pull the pieces together alone. It’s hard enough to cope with this as an adult and can be difficult to find ways to discuss the topic with children. However, even if your kids are not talking about it or seem fine, it’s important to discuss with them what is going on and find ways to help them handle the situation without judgment or bias. Oftentimes, kids understand more than we may think, so talking to them helps them not only understand and process the situation but keeps them from trying to fill the gaps on their own with incorrect information.

Children May Feel Several Emotions at Once or Won’t Know How to Feel

Feelings are strange; one second we’re sad, the next we’re feeling happy, guilty or nothing at all. Often, we experience multiple emotions at once. And that’s okay! There aren’t any wrong emotions — whatever they are feeling is valid — even with a loved one who is currently incarcerated. What’s more: if they don’t know what they’re feeling or don’t feel anything at all at the moment, that’s totally fine. By understanding and telling them that they may not know how to pinpoint their emotions, it will help them understand their feelings may change but are valid nonetheless.

Reassure Them It’s Alright if They Feel Differently From You

Kids often mimic their caregiver and can feel confusion or guilt if their emotions don’t align. Reassure them that it’s fine if they’re feeling something different than you.

What’s more: children may feel guilty if they find moments of fun or happiness while they know their incarcerated loved ones are having a difficult time. Letting them know it’s acceptable and normal to have happy times even when things are hard will help alleviate the guilt they may end up feeling.

Allow Children to Ask Questions Openly Without Getting Mad Or Upset

Again, kids often understand more about the situation than you may realize and they probably have a lot of questions. Give them space to ask those questions about their incarcerated loved one without judgment or getting upset — no matter what they may be asking — and answer clearly, honestly and simply. Providing a safe space now will help them  know they can come to you later with questions rather than make up the answer in their head or turn to their less knowledgeable friends and classmates, as well as help them feel better about the situation.

Common questions kids and families may have about their incarcerated loved ones include: 

• Why are they in jail/prison?
• What will happen to me?
• Am I at fault/am I the reason they went to jail/prison?
• Will I go to jail or prison too?
• Can I see or talk to them?
• When are they coming home?
• Are they doing alright in jail/prison?

Decide Early Whether the Child or Family will Communicate with Their Incarcerated Loved One and Stick to Your Decision

There are many times in which a child or family should not be in contact with their incarcerated loved one, especially if the child was a victim of a crime, but deciding early and communicating your decision will help them with their expectations. Changing your mind may lead to confusion and anger.

Additionally, if the child is allowed to communicate with their loved one but chooses not to, honor that decision. And remember: they do not have to give you a reason why they don’t want to talk if they are not ready to.

Decide How The Family Will Communicate With Their Incarcerated Loved One And Help Them Through It

There are many ways for kids to communicate with their incarcerated loved one: in-person visitation (where allowed), phone calls, letters and emails, and video calls. One or all of these are valuable options, especially if they suddenly want to communicate. 

Help them write letters by keeping paper, pencils, pens, and envelopes where they can find and reach them so they can write whenever they feel the urge to do so. Set up a schedule of calls and visitations so they can anticipate it. Kids thrive on schedules and knowing when the next call or visit will happen will help them feel less stressed overall. If contacting their loved one through calls or video requires payment, determine a reasonable amount to place on the account. Adding small amounts at regular intervals, like when you get your paycheck, can add up and keep your family calls on schedule. HomeWAV provides families the opportunity to video chat with their incarcerated loved one, eliminating the need to find transportation or worrying about the health concerns associated with in-person visits. Video calls help kids connect through face-to-face conversations from the safety of their own homes. Bridge the gap with our safe, cost-effective, and convenient visitation options through our app or website.